A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream
parlor, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After
catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis!"
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
Two elderly people, he a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a
number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went
on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage
to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes Yes,
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He
couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he
explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed
the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."
The Old Cowboy
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his
drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, baling hay, doctoring
calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my
dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower I think about
women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I
eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
It was a pretty serious auto accident. Because he wasn't wearing his seat
belt, Sean smashed his face into the windshield. In a strange twist of fate,
he wasn't seriously injured, but the cracked glass pinched his right eyelid
and, when he bounced back, ripped the eyelid off. Unfortunately, the tissue
wasn't saved for reattachment.
At the hospital, plastic surgeons weren't sure how to repair it. Skin grafts
wouldn't do the trick, since plain skin isn't thick enough for the job. Then
one of the surgeons noticed Sean wasn't circumcised. The thick, elastic skin
there would be just the ticket!
Sure enough, the operation was a success and the new eyelid works just as
intended. But the TRUE measure of success in any plastic surgery is: how
does it LOOK? It's not *quite* perfect, doctors say -- while it works
perfectly, Sean will forever be a little cockeyed.
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've
been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you
have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and
had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to
Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats,
dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller
skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a
beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The
cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How
are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says... 'Oh, I've never been happier in my
life, And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women walked past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you ever
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No."
She said "You will be when the tide comes in."
I've been told that there are too many Irish Blessings, so for a change,
here is an Afghan one just for you.
May the fleas of a thousand Afghan camels infest the crotch of the person
who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up
on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaims.
"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad in recent years, and because
of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that
due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I
write my book, My TV show, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money
I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles,
though...Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles
And just like that... her ears were gone!
Speeding - Good, Better and Best
GOOD: Seattle, WA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders,
but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy
was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP
AHEAD'. The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the
road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money (And we used to
just sell lemonade!)
BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through
an automated radar post in Silverdale, WA. A $40 speeding ticket was
included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The
police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST: A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A WA State Trooper
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet
you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball.' He replied,
'Washington State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
Who are You Voting For?
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were
flying to a debate. Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I
could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of
the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the
window and make 256 million people very happy."
I'm voting for the Pilot.
How to treat a Woman:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile
at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage
her. Believe in her.
How to teart a women:
Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her
jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to
the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How to treat a man:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV
Light at the End of the Tunnel
No matter what situations life throws at you...
No matter how long and treacherous
Your journey may seem...
Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a
window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before
takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine
kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in
the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,'
said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in
it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks
good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch
it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and
spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab
neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. THE BEST
Buford Goes to the Doctor
Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he
had. Buford said Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical
insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said
Shingles. So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said
Shingles. The doctor asked Where? Buford said Outside on the truck. Where do
you want 'em?
Working in the Dark
Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work." Said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside
down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked
him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The blonde began
walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
The blonde answered, "Home, I can't work in the dark"
Blonde and the Christmas Tree
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a
After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves,
one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I
see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"